It Was All A BLuR
Updated: Dec 24, 2019
We get out the car, to the front door and my girl in the middle says “how did you do this with three of us". My immediate response was “it's all a blur".
It's a cold fall day in November. My Uber pulls up to my house and the girls and I get out. No biggie, right? Well on this particular Sunday afternoon we had some extra weight. My brother had just dropped my niece off at church and for the first time in YEARS I had to figure out a car seat, baby bag and travel. This should be easy! I've done this a million times before, though during my baby bag and car seat days there was no Uber in sight—just a few faithful friends always willing to lend a helping hand. I quickly give instruction on who should grab the bag and carry the car seat while I rushed to find my keys and open the front door. We get out the car, to the front door and my girl in the middle says “how did you do this with three of us". My immediate response was “it's all a blur".
It took some time for the words that left my lips to settle with me. Later that evening, I sat and thought about what I had said and realized the weight of that truth. Being married and pregnant at 22 years old, with two unplanned pregnancies shortly to follow, means I spent my early 20’s in survival mode. I realized how beneficial “automatic mommy mode" had been in helping me make through the day to day demands of being a mother of three BABIES!
I was surviving...hustling and juggling but slowly withering away inside. The moments, days, weeks, months all seemed to mesh together. Who knew that you cou PTSD from starting a family?
"During a trauma, your body responds to a threat by going into “flight or fight” mode. It releases stress hormones, like adrenaline and norepinephrine, to give you a burst of energy. Your heart beats faster. Your brain also puts some of its normal tasks, such as filing short-term memories, on pause."
WEBMD.COM
I tried to remember the important things like first steps, first words, first…ANYTHING and NOTHING! I could not for the life of me remember any of the milestones! I vaguely remember the first time Kayla decided she no longer wanted to drink from her bottle, how Hailey would wake up with just one squeal for her 3 AM feeding, or how Maya was a trained escape artist who barely smiled for anyone but me. I feel like I had missed out on so much of the GOOD stuff. In my early 20’s I had no idea what to expect from marriage and certainly was not prepared for the overwhelming loneliness that would lead down a long road of *insert dramatic music* DEPRESSION. I spent years married, lonely and completely checked out. I sat with that until the feelings of guilt and regret settled.
Eventually, I took ownership of my life and mental health, changed my environment and made the decision to CHECK BACK IN TO MY LIFE! I rediscovered my love and passion for creating which subsequently also ignited the joy that motherhood had lacked before. I was me again and I was their mom and both were OK.
Many moons have come and gone. That Susan has evolved 10 times and now is a PROUD (because sometimes having more than 2 kids feels like a badge of shame no matter your marital status) momma bear. My girls have all entered teenagehood and I need prayer more now than ever, chile! No matter how demanding it may be at times, I am here enjoying and storing every moment while watching them become these amazing individuals. I'm viewing motherhood and my children through a clearer lens and it is truly MAGIC!
You are Magic!
With Love,
Charli
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Hey! I'm Susan Charli and I am proud mompreneur of 4 amazing humans. I enjoy movies nights and snacks cuddled up with her favs!